hands holding white daisies how to forgive even when you are still angry

How To Forgive Even When You are Still Angry

One of the hardest things to do is to forgive. We cling to our resentment and can hold a grudge for years. The problem is, the person we are really hurting is ourselves. So, how do you forgive even when you are still angry?

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What Happens When We Don’t Forgive

 

Psychological Symptoms of Resentment



When you refuse to forgive and cling to blame, you become filled with a resentment that colours every area of your life. It taints your relationships and fills your mind with negativity. You become stuck in the past, unable to enjoy the present. 

Often, you replay the event over and over in your head, triggering the same stress responses the original event created. Your mind can’t tell the difference between an actual event and you replaying the event in your head, therefore it creates the same stress response in your body. On top of that, the Law of Attraction states that what you focus your attention on is what you create. So what you are creating when you are filled with resentment? If you guessed sunshine and rainbows, I hate to tell you but you’re wrong. You actually will be attracting more events that will create the same resentment in you. 

Read more about the Law of Attraction here

If the Law of Attraction is a little too Woo for you, how about your reticulating brain? The reticulating brain filters out information you don’t need. How does it determine what you do and do not need? It bases it on your beliefs and what you spend your time thinking about. If you are full of resentment, you have a belief that you were wronged. Your brain will look for events that match that belief. You won’t notice anything that contradicts that belief, thus creating more resentment within.

Having this negative tunnel vision will prevent you from perceiving the opportunities that are available to you. You will become stuck in a life full of malevolence. A malevolence that hurts you more than anyone else. 

Woman holding her knees to her chest and head down how to forgive

Physical Symptoms of Resentment

Not only does being unable to forgive hurt you psychologically, hanging on to our resentment can actually be detrimental to our physical health. Yes, not forgiving your best friend from high school for wearing the same outfit as you to prom, can actually make you sick. 

Resentment, is a lot like extreme stress. It messes with your hormones and  throws the delicate balance out of whack. If left unchecked, you can experience minor and major health issues.

Read more about anxiety here

When you become attached to those feelings of bitterness and outrage, they become toxic. Overtime, those emotions lead to escalated anxiety, depression and anger. You can experience elevated blood pressure, insomnia, a weakened immune system, post traumatic stress and even vascular resistance, all from being unable to forgive. 

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Why is it So Hard to Forgive?

One of the reasons forgiveness is so hard is because we believe the person doesn’t deserve our forgiveness. We think that if we forgive them, than it must mean they were right or that we somehow deserved their mistreatment. How do you forgive someone when they did something so terrible to you? 

We also struggle with forgiveness out of fear. We fear that if we forgive, it will make us vulnerable to being hurt again. So we harden our heart and use resentment as a shield to protect us form ever being hurt again. How do you forgive if it will open you up to being hurt again? 

Finally, we just don’t know how to forgive. Where do you start? What do you do? How do you forgive when you have no idea where to begin? 

What is Forgiveness?

Most of us struggle with understanding what forgiveness actually is. 

Forgiving someone is more for us, than the other person. To forgive someone does not mean that they were justified in their actions. We are not providing excuses for them. 

Forgiving them does not mean that the relationship has magically been repaired. In fact, the relationship still may be over even if we have forgiven the person. You don’t even have to tell them that they are forgiven. 

Our forgiveness does not make them right. It simply means that we are not going to cling to that toxic energy of resentment that is poisoning us anymore. We are not going to continue to play the event in our head on repeat. We are not going to live in the past, but rather move into the present moment.

Forgiveness means we are ready to be free of our resentment.


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How To Forgive; Seven Steps to Forgiveness

1. Examine your feelings:

How do you really feel about what happened? Often we get so caught up in how we think we should feel, that we don’t realize how we actually feel. For instance, if a partner cheats on you, you may react with anger. However, if you take the time to examine your feelings a little deeper, you may find you feel hurt and betrayed. When you look underneath the feelings of hurt, you may find that you are questioning whether or not you are worthy of love. It is difficult to move to a place of forgiveness until you are aware of how you are really feeling.

2. You have to choose to forgive:

Once you make the decision to forgive, you can start the process of healing. Until you decide that you want to forgive, you will continue to hold on to your animosity.

3. Change your perspective:

Try putting yourself in the other persons shoes. Did they set out to deliberately hurt you or were their actions unintentional? Most people don’t set out to hurt others, they are simply too focused on fulfilling their own needs to notice what they are doing.

4. Decide if you want to tell the other person you have forgiven them:

You can forgive someone and not tell them. They do not have to have any part in your forgiveness, because again, forgiveness is for you not them. You are the one that needs to heal. 

5. Find the lesson:

Our entire lives are filled with lessons to help guide us along our path. When we are hurt by another person, there is often a lesson in it. An example may be, if we leant money to someone and they never repaid you. Although you may be tempted to believe the lesson is don’t lead money to anyone, if you look deeper, you may find that when they asked for the money you got a really bad feeling. You wanted to say no, but you didn’t want them to think badly of you. So, the lesson isn’t don’t lend money to anyone, it’s listen too your intuition when it’s trying to warn you that you are on the wrong path.

6. Be in the Now:

Holding a grudge is all about living in the past, being stuck in a time loop. You are reliving the moment you were betrayed over and over again. You imagine it as it really happened, you imagine what would have happened if you had done something different or if someone else had intervened. The truth is, the past is unchangeable, clinging to it only keeps you from moving forward. Let go and focus on this moment, because this moment is the only one you can change. 

7. Move forward:

Now it’s time to move on. Do everything in your power to move forward and live the best life you can. Don’t look back. 

"Let it go" spelled in scrabble tiles

How To Forgive Yourself?

What if the person you can’t forgive is yourself? For many of us, forgiving ourselves is much more difficult than forgiving someone else. 

We hold ourselves to higher standards and expect so much more from ourselves than we would ever expect from someone else. It helps to remember that everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect.

Read more about perfectionism here

By forgiving yourself, like forgiving others, you are not making excuses for yourself. Therefore, the first step is to take responsibility for your actions. Admit to your mistake. You won’t be able to heal until you can accept that you have done something wrong.

Once you own up to your actions, apologize to anyone you may have hurt. Take the time to do whatever you can to repair the situation and heal the relationship. 

Much like when we forgive others, when we forgive ourselves it is important to look for the lesson. If we don’t learn from our mistakes we will continue to make them.

The final step to forgiving ourselves is to move on. Punishing ourselves is not going to change what happened. All we can do is move forward with the knowledge we have gained.

A Letter of Forgiveness

Writing letters is a very popular exercises for finding forgiveness and is extremely effective. It can be used as a tool to forgive others and ourselves. 

To write a letter for forgiveness, address the letter to the person you have to forgive. Then write out everything you are feeling about the situation without censoring yourself. Basically, write down everything you need to get off your chest. 

Start with:

Anger – write about your anger and frustration

Sadness – move on to why you are sad and disappointed. What made you sad then and now?

Fear – What are you afraid of or worried about? 

Regret – What are you sorry about? Is there anything you regret about the situation. 

Close the letter with “I forgive you for…” and “I am grateful for..”

At this point add anything else you feel is important.

old letter with calligraphy pen and white flower how to forgive

Sign the letter and put it in an envelope. You can give it to the other person or you can burn it. Either way is just as effective. If you decide you want to give it to someone, I recommend waiting a day or two before sending it to them. Sometimes we make those decisions while we are caught up in our emotions and regret it when we have calmed down. 

If you like this post check out my post on Self-Love

How To Forgive With Affirmations?

Once you have examined your feelings, you may want to use some affirmations to come to a place of forgiveness. Remember, affirmations are positive statements that are in the present tense. 

You can use affirmations as often as you like, but they are more effective if you repeat them daily. If you find you are slipping back into feelings of resentment, you can repeat your affirmations in the moments you feel most bitter, to help you move to a more positive feeling.

Here are a couple affirmations for forgiveness to get you started:

  • I recognize my mistakes and forgive myself completely
  • I’m letting go of the past to find forgiveness right now
  • I release all self judgement and doubt
  • When I make mistakes, I learn from them and forgive myself completely
  • I choose to forgive myself
  • I’m letting go of all grudges and resentments and I am at peace
  • I forgive all those who have wronged me and choose peace instead
  • I choose to forgive others
hands holding white daisies How to forgive even when you are still angry

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112 Comments

  1. This is an interesting and helpful post. Being able to forgive is important. But I never forget that’s for sure. Thank you for sharing your tips!

    Lauren

  2. This is an important post as it is important to forgive people and most importantly ourselves. I have never had issues forgiving myself but I have had issues forgiving people and letting go of the wrong they did me. I believe in the quote “To err is human but to forgive is divine”. As much as I believe in that quote, I admit that sometimes I find it difficult to forgive people who wronged me but one thing that has helped me forgive people easily is knowing and convincing myself that holding onto any grudges will not do me any good. Great post x

    1. Thanks so much for your comment! It can be extremely difficult to forgive someone that has hurt us. We want them to feel the same pain they caused us. Unfortunately more often than not our lack of forgiveness only hurts us. I find remembering that I’m only hurting myself, helps me move to a place of forgiveness.

  3. This is such a helpful post. I’ve been in a situation where I struggled to forgive someone for such a long time. It was eating me up inside and I ended up realising it was time to forgive.

  4. I really need to read this! I am someone that doesn’t forgive easily and fills with resentment after it, but you’re right. Living with it only makes you more stressed and angry, you made a great point about forgiving ourselves too! thanks for sharing x

  5. Totally agree you in that forgiving yourself is the hardest thing! I feel like we’re always so hard on ourselves!

    Katie | katieemmabeauty.com

    1. Thanks so much for your comment! It’s true, we would never dream of being as hard on others as we are on ourselves. I find it helps to imagine how we would treat someone else in our situation and let that be our guide for how we treat ourselves.

  6. This makes me think about how much power I give to other people. We can choose to be upset with someone, but we forget that we can choose Not to be upset, too.

  7. This is such a hard thing to accomplish. I have such a hard time forgiving when I am angry. But you have shared some excellent points and tips here. Thanks so much for sharing about this important topic!

  8. I have found it hard at times to forgive but it truly is not worth letting others love rent free in your mind. I feel as though I am still learning to forgive. Forgiveness really does help with moving forward and just learning the lesson.

  9. I love everything about this! Being able to forgive is such a powerful concept yet it is something so hard to do (depending on the situation) because the pain we endured by someone else’s actions or words.

    My brother’s wife (soon to be ex-wife) wrecked havoc on my entire family. She csuse an avalanche of pain and stress that resulted in my father suffering a stroked and now being bedridden with no speech. It hurt me to the core and I was angry for months!!!

    It took to realize that this anger was tearing me done and I have to forgive her for the sake of my mental health. That hold on me needed to be released. It wasn’t easy, and sometimes thinking back I still get emotional, but I am in a much better place mentally. I focus all my energy on praying for my dad to get better.

    Thanks for this.. Love the steps to forgiveness as well!

    1. Thank you so much Rebekah!! I’m so sorry you and your family had to go through that. It sounds awful and I can understand how it would be difficult to let go of your anger. If you ever want to try an EFT session to work through some of those feeling just let me know.💖

  10. This is probably the best guide to forgiveness I’ve ever read. I found it helpful to my current situation … and love that you included self-forgiveness, affirmations, and so many actionable steps to take. Most articles on the subject leave it theoretical or completely focused on beliefs. One thing I’ve found is that even when I’m trying to forgive others, there’s usually something I have to forgive about myself first. And that can be the hardest part.

  11. Wonderful post as always, Tiffany. I enjoy your blog so much. I think I’m very forgiving lol more than I’d like but I’ve seen so many people hold on to this anger to the point where it dictates the direction of their life. I often feel sad seeing people follow this way of life. I think Pride plays a big role too and you’ve really got to let your boundaries down in order to get/feel better. Thank you for sharing! x

    Lynn | http://www.lynnmumbingmejia.com

    1. Thanks Lynn, I appreciate it! I am so glad you enjoy my blog.
      I feel sad when I see people holding onto their anger as well, because I know they are only hurting themselves. However, by being a very forgiving person, you are not only helping yourself, but you’re also teaching those around you how to forgive. I think that’s pretty amazing!

  12. What an important message! Thank you for sharing this because this can be a tough one for me at times when I’m being stubborn. Wonderful post and lessons.

    1. Thank you so much! I can be stubborn about forgiveness sometimes too. For me, I find it helps to remind myself that holding a grudge is doing more harm to me than the other person. If I let go of my anger, I am able to deal with the situation in a much healthier and productive way.

  13. Forgiveness is so hard. I like how you broke it down into steps. I also never really thought about how we don’t have to tell someone that we forgive them. For some reason, I think we think we do. This post really got me thinking so thank you!

    1. Thanks so much for your comment Heidi!
      The biggest misconception about forgiveness is that it is about the other person. It isn’t, it is about you. Forgiveness means you are not holding on to your anger and you’re not living in the past. By forgiving you are moving forward. The other person may benefit from this as well, especially if it’s someone you’re close to, but it is you who feels the real benefits of forgiveness. That’s why it isn’t as important in most cases to tell the other person you forgive them.

  14. This is a great read. Forgiveness can be really difficult but it’s so important for our own mental well-being to at least try to forgive those who have wronged us. Also, forgiving ourselves!

  15. Forgiveness is hard. But the sense of relief you feel afterwards is worth it. And it all takes time. I am a firm believer that things make you stronger and they get better with time.

    Thank you so much for sharing.

    xo Erica

    1. I agree. Our experiences, especially the difficult ones, make us stronger and time does heal all wounds, as long as we allow it to. We allowed it to heal by not clinging to our anger.
      Thanks so much for your comment!

  16. Wow, lots of great reminders about forgiveness! I’ve never heard of the reticulating brain concept! So powerful… but I also believe in the Law of Attraction and what you put out in the world you get back:). Thank you for sharing such a thorough post about forgiveness!

  17. This is great advice. So often, the act of forgiving isn’t about the person that you’re forgiving – it’s about you, your mental health and the ability to accept whatever happened and put it behind you once and for all. Forgive and forget are two different concepts. You can forgive someone without welcoming them back into your life again.

  18. This resonates with me so much; I have carried a lot of anger and resentment around for many years and never worked through it. I forgive, but I never forget, which has become a burden, so I have actually sought counselling to work through it.

    Excellent post, I actually wrote letters to some of the people I’ve been carrying all this emotion towards and it helped so much so I totally back up what you are saying. 🙂

    1. Thanks so much for your comment!
      It’s wonderful that you are getting help. Working through old resentment and anger alone can be tricky. It can also bring up old feelings that you may not be ready to deal with on your own.
      I’m so glad you found letter writing effective. It can be a very powerful tool to work through old emotions. Sometimes it help us discover things we had no idea we were even holding on to. I hope the counselling helps you move to a place of forgiveness.
      Please let me know if there is any way I can help support you in your journey.

  19. Amazing post! You’re right we need to start letting go and to forgive more. Sometimes it’s hard because we think that if we let go that person will get awzy with it but that anger only hurts us. Thank you for sharing!

  20. Such an important post, and something I’ve actually been working on currently. Harbouring resentment after an issue has past only continues to hurt you, and doesn’t change anything usually. Thanks for sharing ❤️

    1. Thanks so much! I agree, holding onto our resentment usually doesn’t change anything except cause us pain. It’s much better to let it go and move on with our lives. I hope this post has helped you find some forgiveness. ❤️

  21. Such a brilliantly written post. Choosing to forgive is one of the hardest life choices we can make, especially if you honestly believe the other entity was wrong. But as you say, letting go of the toxic energy is what’s important, and learning to live in the present.

    1. Thank you so much! Forgiveness is a very difficult choice, especially like you said, when you believe you have been wronged. The thing to remember is holding a grudge is not making the other person pay, it is just causing you more suffering.
      Thanks for the comment!

  22. Tiffany, what a great article-as always! Forgiveness is such a huge part of allowing ourselves to move forward and not dwelling in rotten feelings that are stressed produced. Jesus taught his followers that the kingdom of heaven is here on earth, but we have to learn to forgive, to be kind to others and ourselves and let go of the material world–placing too much importance on material things. Your article really highlights that truth; we can have a happy life if we do simple things like practice kindness, gratitude and forgiveness–and you don’t have to believe in Jesus or God to do these things. Thanks for sharing!

  23. Wow this is an incredibly informative post – thank you for sharing all this useful information. I’m horrible at forgiving myself and your tips on how to go about this I will definitely try in the future. Thank you for tackling such an important topic!

  24. Your advice is so spot on. I definitely need to read this again and bookmark it. I am a very difficult person when it comes to forgiveness. This might give me some ideas on how to overcome things I have gone through recently.

  25. This is an excellent post. Hanging on to all that anger and resentment is toxic. Not only does it impact your relationship with the individual, but it also impacts everyone around you too. It’s so important to forgive.

  26. Yes to ‘They do not have to have any part in your forgiveness, because again, forgiveness is for you not them’! Very well said and it’s beautifully written 🙂 Thank you for sharing this x

  27. It’s so true that it’s better for your own mental wellbeing if you can at least try to forgive. I usually try to give myself a few days to stay angry (if I need it) then reflect on whether it’s worth it or not. The overwhelming majority of things aren’t.

  28. As usual, great post. Loved every bit of it. Unfortunately, and for the first time in my life, I can’t forgive a friend. I’ve been really hurt and caught off guard. I tried putting myself in their shoes but I can’t justify what they did and I’ve been stuck in this negativity for more than 6 months already. I will try your tips and hopefully get over it soon…

    1. I’m so sorry to hear that. It’s so hard when we’re hurt by a friend. What you need to remember is your forgiveness is about you, not the other person. Forgiveness does not mean that the other person was right. It also doesn’t mean you have to go back to being their friend. What it does mean, is that you are going to move on and not let it hurt you any more. If you find you are still struggling, let me know. I’d be happy to do a session with you.

  29. Great post, I could have definitely done with this a few years ago but it’s nice to reflect! I definitely relate that forgiving means accepting that they were right/you were wrong. Your posts always make me think and I love that about them 🙂 x

  30. This is a wonderful post – Forgiveness is such an important topic. Letting go of toxic energy and saving a space for forgiveness is so important in living our lives meaningfully and taking care of our hearts and souls. Thank you for this!

  31. This is a great post! I love that you have added different ways of how to forgive, and it is amazing what you can attract into your life with your own mindset, isn’t it? Not always the easiest thing to do, but so beneficial for yourself. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and different situations only build you as a person.

    thanks for sharing!
    Aimsy xoxo
    Aimsy’s Antics

  32. “When you refuse to forgive and cling to blame, you become filled with a resentment that colours every area of your life.” 🙌🙌🙌 yes! Could not have said it any better. I am typically good at forgiving when the person is actually sorry but I have always struggled with those who are not. It’s super hard to forgive and let go when the person won’t even acknowledge they hurt you. It’s something I am still working on but know I’ll eventually work through it.

    Great post!

    1. That is the real test, forgiving someone who has no remorse. It helps if we remember our forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person, but is about how we are going to move forward in our own lives.
      Thanks for the comment Caitlin, I appreciate it!

  33. I actually found this post incredibly helpful, thank you so much for sharing. I’m currently in a bit of a situation like this so I’ll be taking this into consideration xo

    Elle – ellegracedeveson.com

  34. This was such an interesting read, and some really great points. I definitely think it is important to forgive not only for ourselves but for others. I don’t think it necessarily has to mean everything is great again but forgiving is the first step of giving yourself some peace. Plus I am not an angry person at all so I am one that tends to let things go because I don’t want them to be held onto me for years. Thanks for this post xx

  35. This is such a great post. Forgiveness is a difficult thing to grasp as it is, and unfortunately the way apologies are used today changes the meaning of forgiveness.

  36. It’s really important that we learn to forgive others and ourselves and let go because only then can we truly have peace. I love the affirmations you shared. Nice post.

  37. This is such a wonderful post! I can be one of those people that holds onto resentment especially when they hurt me, but I have since realized that doing so is not good for anyone especially myself. I completely agree forgiveness does not make what the person did right or justified, but I don’t want to feel resentment anymore & I want to move on from the past.
    I also agree it is more difficult to forgive myself. A while back I found out one of my friends at the time did something horrible and went to jail for it. I felt horrible for what they did & I did have resentment for letting myself get close to someone that ended up not being a good person. I actually ended up writing a letter to them about all my feelings & when I was done I tore it up. It felt so good to forgive myself & to forgive them & move on from it.

    1. I’m glad you were able to find forgiveness not only for them, but also for yourself. Holding on to resentment is toxic for our spirit and our bodies. That’s why forgiveness can be an act of healing. In taking the time to write that letter, you were able to rid yourself of the resentment you were holding and find some relief.
      Thanks so much for sharing your story with me!

  38. It can be so hard to forgive, but a big part of it really is forgiving for your own sake. It takes that weight off you so you no longer have those negative emotions.

  39. I’m so glad I found/read this post as I am dealing with some residual anger that I need to work through. It’s not directed at a person but an event that will end up being unhealthy to hold to so this was actually super useful. I can apply many of your tips in my own personal situation so I appreciate you taking the time to share this!

  40. Really good and informative post. I think forgiveness can be really hard when there are super traumatic events. I liked the affirmations.

    1. Thanks so much Eliza! I’m so glad you liked the affirmations! Forgiveness is a tough one. We tend to look from the perspective that our forgiveness means what the other person did was ok. However, we need to look at from the perspective of, it was not ok, but I don’t want to keep reliving the experience. I want to heal and move on with my life.

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